Here's How To Start Respecting Your Student's Pronouns
Aley holds a BA in English and a minor in philosophy from Le Moyne College and an MA in English from Syracuse University. They are currently a PhD Candidate in English at Syracuse University.
Asking for and using your trans or nonbinary students’ pronouns is one of the most of powerful ways you can support their learning and growing. GLSEN recently found that 84.7% of transgender and nonbinary students in middle and high school have experienced harassment for their gender expression. Having mentors who respect their identities is a crucial component of their social support system.
In the context of gender identity and expression, when we ask for somebody’s pronouns, we’re asking about how they want us to refer to them when we’re not directly addressing them (for grammar nerds, these are third-person personal pronouns). For instance, if I know my student Jamie uses he/him/his pronouns, I can email his parent to say:
“Jamie is making great progress! He is really getting the hang of writing a good thesis, which will help him in his essay assignment.”
Or, if I know my student Nour uses they/them/theirs pronouns, I can tell them:
“If Nour spent $10 on comic books, and this was $2 less than twice what they spent on candy, how much did they spend on candy?”
You can’t always tell if your student is trans or nonbinary. Sharing your own personal pronouns is a great way to learn what pronouns your student uses without asking personal questions. Sharing pronouns is best accomplished during introductions, and is as simple as this:
“Hi! I’m Aley O’Mara, and I use they/them pronouns. I’ll be your English instructor this year.”
But if you forget to share when you first meet, you can also bring it up later:
“Hey, I forgot to mention. I use they/them pronouns.”
Even if the student’s parent has already shared their child’s pronouns with you, sharing your own pronouns is still a good practice to begin to show yourself as trustworthy and respectful. Some students may ask you to use a different set of pronouns around them than around their family. Other students may not want to share their pronouns, and that’s okay! In fact, some students may respond to more than one set of pronouns: for instance, both he and they or both they and xe. Other students may not use pronouns at all, and instead go only by their name:
“Chen put a lot of work into Chen’s science experiment.”
Sometimes we make mistakes and use the wrong pronoun to refer to someone. When you catch your mistake, or when someone points it out to you, it’s important to acknowledge that you misspoke. It’s equally important to not overreact. You don’t want to beg forgiveness or burden your student with pointing out your errors in the future. A quick apology — “sorry about that!” — will show that you realized your mistake, and diligently using the correct pronouns in the rest of the conversation will show that you intend to do better in the future.
The most important part of respecting your student’s pronouns is normalizing the conversation around personal pronouns. If you want to learn more about using pronouns, Trans Student Educational Resources and MyPronouns.org both have great resources for educators who want to be better allies. All that your trans or nonbinary student wants is for you to call them by their personal pronouns as naturally as you would call William Shakespeare he or Judy Garland she. If you can be a mentor in your student’s life who sees them as they see themself, you will help them thrive not only in school but also in life.